In the beginning of this first warm spring week, I returned back to the work. I’m still fighting with my chronic illness. But the working mood is somewhere missing in action. Weeks being ill at home and in the hospital… There’s finally a spring, and birds and the forest become green and dandelions and other little thingies here and there.

How chronic illness affected my aspiration to work

It’s still hard to tune myself on working mood. I sit in my chair, procrastinate and try to remember where and how I left my work before hospitalisation. A lot has changed. Our local head of the office retired due to old age and my colleague took her duties. Also, several new decrees were published.

One of them really pissed me off! It’s called “photo-a-day”. It sounds very similar to my new project, but this decree is a mess. I’ve lost my ability to even. As an engineer, I will get an observer, who will count my working hours and minutes and will try to determine my productivity. I’ll be almost every minute of my working day under other’s control! It’s really hard to relax and think (it’s hard to be an engineer!) when somebody is always watching you with a notebook and recording every your step. Welcome to the North Korea! I don’t want to be the instrument of healing someone’s paranoia.

When I was in the hospital I thought a lot about my current work. Laying straight under drop counter for several hours staring at the ceiling… I thought a lot! And came to a deplorable conclusion that currently, I’m not happy with my work. I like to create things and to construct. But you know what? All these crappy decrees completely ruin all the working process and kill the core aspiration to work at all.

Another thing which affects well too is the awareness that you’ll never be the same. You’ll never be strong and healthy again.

Bullet changes a lot in the head even if it hits the ass.Al Capone

So the illness does. Many things are fading out. Understanding reveals. “Now” matters the most. Not the future, but “now”. Because your life is the only thing that really belongs to you, and you won’t be able to take all your goods with you six feet under. I like to work, but I want my work to bring me joy and money, not only money. I’d rather be happily working on a job with slightly less salary than on a well-payed job which is an emotional hell for me.

But I have some obligations to end before quitting this one. I need a lot of money for my medicines. All you need to know is that that shit really affects.

Work matters, money matters, but health and emotional condition matters the most. If you’re not happy with yourself, nothing will make you feel good.

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