I often think about growing up and getting older. I used to think that that process affects only your body and thoughts. As years passing by I watched myself in retrospect. I’m headed back in times when I get wounded and then get ill, when I began to forget things and was so afraid that even started to do my diary job every day, when I was betrayed for the first time and suddenly understood that words can harm you harder than a metal pipe: they won’t leave traces or bruises but will rot inside of your soul. I used to think so… You getting older and starting to concern on different things: on the health, loans, and so on. Later I understood that ageing is not only about physical and emotional withering. It also affects your perception of the reality. And it terrifies me the most.
Magic has left me even before you
I travel back ’til far before this winter. To another one when I was 23 or maybe 24. Dolphin was… Well, I don’t remember. Maybe 19 or 20. She could have been 21 as well, it doesn’t matter.
This was a really cold winter, but we met almost every morning at 8 a.m. in the middle of our still and quiet city and headed forward to our work. The air was crystal blue and the snow fell on our shoulders. We barely can feel our hands. We liked these mornings. That we had a secret which no one ever knew, that we don’t need to wear our masks. The magic of mornings and a sleepy city with its narrow streets and shabby walls, with dark windows and squeaking fence gates, are almost the only things from that old time I want to keep in my heart and which is more important, in my memory and my perception of the reality.
I hadn’t any other choice but to run away. I had to leave. And when I left all the magic disappeared. I wasn’t out in the cold for too long, but I was alone. I should say, magic has left before the departure and caused such an inevitable end. It’s almost impossible to maintain the magic for two alone.
Years are passing by. And know what? I don’t see it anymore. Magic has left me with the sweep of Dolphin’s tail, gone like circles on the water surface.
This is the true ageing. You give away all the magic in exchange of knowledge and understanding. You may consider it as a good deal. Well, it is your right. But I refuse.